The Shirt

What to wear on a night out
Too much?

‘What we thinking tonight lads?’ a question that will proceed every night out. ‘Shirts?…Like proper formal?…Or we just going T-shirts?’ Then there’s shoes, ‘these ones or these ones?….Yeh but if I go those ones I’ve gotta change trousers.’ Difficult stuff for any young mind to tackle.

All these daily, weekly, monthly decisions over dress, all come down to the same unspoken golden rule of outfit selection. The outfit must dove-tail with the venue. For example, no one of sane mind, attends a funeral in a green velvet suit and platform shoes. However, I believe I have developed a loophole theory which might save you, the reader, of this constant agony.

The way I see it, the shirt is just about universal across all night life establishments. At the premium clubs and bars, you will probably be wearing what every other bloke is donning. A thin, (crisply ironed of course) long-sleeved shirt with limited, if any patterning, accompanied by chinos/jeans and most likely some brogues of the pointy variety.

At a standard ‘chart music club’, by opting for the shirt, one can play the part of a mature, sophisticated hunk that, of course, you already are. At this point, I would advise neither long nor short sleeved. But, perhaps to really show off, whether it be long or short sleeved, one may trump for a shirt that one’s parents would describe as ‘more out there’. Patterned, paisley, floral or whatever cooks your curry.

Now for the bravest of you out there, a shirt can still be unleashed upon the lowest form of night club. Admittedly, your only hope is that every t-shirted specimen present will be too inebriated, sloshed, slashed wavy or even monged to notice the contents of your outfit. An outcome which may be very likely. However, if they do notice, then I’m afraid that you do run the risk of looking like an IT apprentice who took a wrong turn on his way home. But, as I say if you are a brave and consider yourself to be a ‘shirt man’ then by all means go for it.

I realise, that it might be argued, by the many thousands who will read this article, that trousers, or ‘pants’ as some of my deluded contemporaries insist on calling them, are more universal than the shirt. But, what I say to these nay-sayers is; where does the eye first travel when seeing someone on a night out? Not the shoes, nor indeed the trousers, but the upper half of the figure. One’s eye is drawn to faces and the top, whatever it may be, comes within that remit. Therefore, in the style of an AS history essay, I conclude that, although the trousers may be just as universal as the shirt, the universality of the shirt holds greater importance according to the habits of the human eye.

So readers, next time you are dragged into a mate’s wardrobe for outfit advice, I invite you to think back to this article. ‘What can do a job almost anywhere?’ you’ll think to yourself. And ignoring the voice saying ‘James Milner’ in your head, you reach past the desperate wreck in front of you and pluck a shirt from the rail. Problem, well and truly, solved.


What does the shirt and Jimmy Milner have in common? They’ll both do a tidy job absolutely anywhere.
Too ‘out there’?
Check out these hunks! So let’s see…that’s shirt, shirt, shirt and er…oh yes, shirt. These boys have clearly got the whole charade sorted out.